Riley Finn, formerly Gunga Din (R. Kipling)

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by Elena B.

You may talk o' pain and fear
When you've got Buffy cuddled near,
An' you're sent to vampire-fights an' Slayer
lays;
But when it comes to slaughter
You ain't the bloke that's got 'er,
An' you'll lick my bloomin' boots for me someday.

Now in the Dale's sunny clime,
Where I used to spend my time
A-servin' of 'Er Majesty my Queen,
Of all the Initiative crew
The blandest man I knew
Was the Slayer's Captain Cardboard, Riley Finn.
He was "Finn! Finn! Finn!
You soddin' corn-fed wanker, Riley Finn!

The strength that 'e bore
Was nothin' much before,
An' rather less than 'arf o' that be'ind,
With a Slayer in 'is bed
An' no thoughts in 'is 'ead,
Aside from shaggin' ev'ry minute 'e could find.
When the sweatin' soldier lay
In a bed all through the day,
When the shakes would make 'is bloomin' skin
crawl,
'E shouted "Let me fight!"
The Slayer worried through the night,
Then she stopped 'im 'cause 'e couldn't fight at
all.
It was "Finn! Finn! Finn!
You weakling, where the mischief 'ave you been?
You need drugs to make you strong
Or I won't take you along."
She doesn't really love you, Riley Finn!

I shan't forgit the night
When I dropped be'ind the fight
With a chip where my viciousness should 'a' been.

I was chokin' mad with thirst,
An' the man that spied me first
Was our good old grinnin', gruntin' Riley Finn.
I lifted up 'is 'ead,
An' I tried to kill him dead,
An' I got me awful pain for bein' mean:
He's a blandly pretty lad,
Of the men that Buffy's 'ad,
The one I 'ate the most is Riley Finn.
Though you've chipped me and you've spayed me,
By the Vampire Queen that made me,
You're a deader man than I am, Riley Finn!

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