"But No Vampires!" (based on "But No Elephants" by Jerry Smath)

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by Madrigal Costello, based on a suggestion by her sister Christ Evelina, aged 10 and in need of children's literature

Grandma Tildy lived all alone in Trannsylvania.  She worked hard every day.   She had no time for evil.

One day a man came to her house.  He was selling demons.  Would you like to buy a Toth Demon?" asked the man.  "Very well," said Grandma Tildy. "But no vampires!"  Grandma Tildy was cooking stew.  The Toth demon wanted to help.  So he used his ferula gemina wand to make two pots of stew, one which was very delicious.  It made Grandma Tildy happy.  The next day the demon man came again.  "Would you like to be a Fyarl Demon?" he asked.  "Very well," said Grandma Tildy.  "But no vampires!"  Grandma Tildy needed firewood and the Fyarl demon wanted to help. So he broke up all the wood with his strong arms.  That night they all sat in front of a warm fire.

Grandma Tildy was barbecuing when the demon man came again.  "Would you like to buy a Polgara demon?" he asked.  "Very well," said Grandma Tildy.  "But no vampires!"   Grandma Tildy's arms got tired from holding food over the grill, so the Polgara demon speared the meat on it's large extendable skewers.  That night they all ate dinner happily together.

One night the demon man came by and asked, "Would you please buy this vampire?  He's the only demon I've got left and I have to sell him before winter."  "No!  No vampires!" shouted Grandma.  But the vampire stayed.  And it started to snow and it kept on snowing and snowing and snowing and snowing.  "No vampires!" Grandma Tildy yelled.  But the vampire would not go.

They could not see the vampire now buried in the snow.  But they still felt sad that he was out there all alone.  "Very well," called Grandma Tildy.  "You're invited in."  The vampire was as happy as could be.

Soon the snow was so high that they were all snowed in.  And then the vampire got hungry.  He drank the blood of the Toth demon, then the Fyarl demon, and even the Polgara demon.  Soon everyone but Tildy was gone.  "I cannot leave or I will freeze.  I cannot stay or I will starve.  What can we do?" said Tildy.

The vampire felt sorry.  Then he thought of a way to help.  He bit Grandma Tildy on the neck and started to drink.  And he drank and drank and drank.  Then he had Grandma Tildy drink his blood and she drank and drank and drank.  And then they were both vampires and then they lived happily ever after, feasting on the blood of lost skiiers and demon salesmen.

The End.

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