Agent Riley Finn

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by Eli Harvey

<Spike stalks Buffy at a safe distance while she's on
patrol. Riley sneaks up on Buffy and surprises her and
nearly gets staked for his efforts. The audience and
Spike cheer abruptly, then fall into dejected sighs
when Buffy checks herself and stops the stake before
it enters his chest. Riley sweeps her up into his arms
and kisses her. Buffy kisses him back briefly, amid
audience jeering, then shoos him off as she continues
patrolling, alone. Riley slowly walk in the opposite
direction, looking pained and kicking invisible dirt
clods. A squeaky-clean co-ed type comes up to him and
pulls him into a dark corner upstage, her vamp face
showing before being swallowed in darkness. Riley
trudges along, dragging his feet but not fighting the
vamp's pull. Spike emerges from his hiding place, even
more cocky and sneering than usual.>

Captain Agrarian!
That's Agent Riley Finn!

Oh I would be a wreck to wring your neck!
So badly badly I want hurt you, man of tin, Riley Finn
What would happen, if the Hellmouth suddenly opened
And the Scoobs need another hero?
And came looking for you in your vampire den?
Hey, Mr. Riley Finn

What can I do to queer your secret here?
I loathe you madly, madly, you kinky vulgarian, Riley
I can imagine, if your entire unit could see you
Fraternizing with enemy babes
They would clamor to have your skin
Do-gooder Riley Finn ...

Now in the moonlight, I can see Buffy ...
Fighting without you ...
And I would know that the Slayer
Would need comforting in moonlight,
And who else could be her dark knight?

No matter how you work, you're still a jerk,
She'll find you out, Unsuff'rable lout, Agent Riley
Hit the gin!
You're a long lost cause,
You will never win
Even the Slayer sees as unforgivable sin
Your seduce-n-stake of comely vampire kin
Oh what sh** you're in!
Agent Riley Finn

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