At the Ballet
(To the tune of "At the Ballet" from A Chorus Line )

by Dana D.

[A spotlight opens on Cordelia, looking fabulous as only she can. We'll put aside the question of how she can afford such a clearly expensive dress when all their money is supposedly going towards feeding, clothing, and protecting Connor.]

   CORDELIA
Angel always swore he'd love Buffy forever
That's what he said, that's what he said.
When he spun off he was dark and noir-y
Now he's goofy and a bit of a dork.
And though he could lose his soul,
Though he could lose his soul,
Though he could lose his soul,
I'm eyeing him.

So there's a curse placed upon him by Gypsies,
And it's a bit of a pain.
If we pretend that it's not too important
Maybe the fans won't complain.
Okay, it doesn't make sense, but who said that
characterization's a must?
They're just details.

[She looks out at the assembled audience, who are collectively groaning in dismay and pointing to pertinent parts of the Watcher's Guide. Both volumes.]

Well, not to them...
Well, not to us...

But everything will change tonight at the ballet.
Cordy's gonna get herself some love!
Yes, everything will change tonight at ballet,
Hey! Watch me get some...at the ballet.

[spoken] That's worth dressing up for, right?

[Angel enters from stage left, clearly uncomfortable in the tuxedo that Cordeila made him rent.]

   CORDELIA
Just ignore the past six years of canon

   CORDELIA and ANGEL
For the sake of a few cheap thrills
Just ignore the past six years of canon

   CORDELIA
It doesn't make much sense...

   ANGEL
It doesn't make much sense...

   BOTH
It doesn't make much sense...

   CORDELIA
It never will.

[Cordelia steps back out of the light. But not too far.]

   ANGEL
Cordy always said she'd be ready to kill me
If I went bad, if I went bad.
"Promise," she said, "At one sign of trouble
I'll be coming after you with a stake."
And though I don't want to die,
Though I don't want to die,
Though I don't want to die,
I trusted her.

Now third season's here, and I don't know what happened.
Suddenly everything's changed.
I've got a child and Cordelia's part demon
And we're both acting quite strange.
I said that Buffy was the one for me.
But it was clear,
If not to her,
Well, then to me...

   ANGEL AND CORDELIA
That canon tends to disappear at the ballet.
During sweeps we've got to have a hook.
Yes, canon tends to disappear at the ballet.

[The Host wanders in from stage right and sees Angel and Cordelia drifting towards each other. He quickly steps up and shoves them apart, with a "Can you believe we're supposed to buy this?" look on his face.]

   HOST
Hey!

   ANGEL
Bye-bye canon...

   CORDELIA
At the ballet.

   ALL
Just ignore the past six years of canon
For the sake of a few cheap thrills
Just ignore the past six years of canon

   HOST
It doesn't make much sense...

   ANGEL
It doesn't make much sense...

   CORDELIA
It doesn't make much sense...

   ALL
It never will.

[The Host, most at home under a spotlight anyway, steps forward for his dramatic monologue.]

   HOST [spoken]
I don't know what they think they're doing, really. I mean, I know sweeps month is all about sex and ratings, but has anyone detected a lick of chemistry between these two crazy kids? Anyone? Yeah, I didn't think so. Anyway, I'm not gonna kvetch too loudly about any episode that features the ballet, but what do you think the are chances that I'm gonna get to go? Me, the only person in that hotel who would really appreciate it? No, I'm gonna get stuck on baby-sitting duty. Again. Never mind that there are supposed to be hordes of supernatural assassins still after this child...

   ANGEL
She made it clear...

   CORDELIA
Dumb Gypsy curse!

   HOST
That there's a total lack of chemistry...

   CORDELIA
He'd lose his soul...

   ANGEL
I want to live...

   HOST
They're sacrificing plot for T & A...

   CORDELIA
I'm eyeing him...

   ANGEL
Buffy who?

   HOST
There's only one advantage to this:
If Angel goes bad again
At least he might start wearing leather

Everything will change tonight at the ballet.
Close your eyes and hope for pain to come.
Yes, everything will change tonight at the ballet,
At the ballet,
At the ballet!

   ALL
Yes, everything will change tonight at the ballet.

   HOST
Hey...

   ANGEL
I'll be dorky...

   CORDELIA
I'll be ditzy..

   HOST
Pray for mayhem...

   ALL
At the ballet.

Author's Quote

"This is meant in fun; I'm not nearly as bitter as this might make me sound. ;-)"

Originally posted in Angel 6: No Unca Tim! Noooooo. . . (#831), WX, February 4, 2002.