Everybody Ought to Have a Vamp
(To the tune of "Everybody Ought to Have a Maid" from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum )

by Betsy Hanes Perry and Dana D.

[A single spotlight opens on our heroine, dressed in a fetching ensemble that's sexy, yet completely impractical for slaying purposes. Lindsey lurks in the background, glowering.]

   BUFFY [spoken]
Vamps like me. I'm cool. I like vamps. They're cool. Something no slayer should be without.

[She strikes a Vanna White pose, and the lights come up, revealing Angel standing uncomfortably at center stage, on a lovely pedestal. He smiles nervously.]

   BUFFY
Everybody ought to have a vamp.

   LINDSEY
Everybody ought to have a vamp.

   BUFFY
Everybody ought to have a broody guy.
Everybody ought to have a moody guy
To nibble around the throat.
Everybody ought to have a vamp.

   LINDSEY
Everybody ought to have a vamp.

   BUFFY
Everybody ought to have a hero type
Who operates with zero hype
While wearing a swirly coat!

Oh, oh,
Isn't he just so nifty?
Even though he's two-fifty
It doesn't show.
Oh, oh,
Isn't he just so dreamy?
We all know he's my beau.

Everybody ought to have a vamp.

   LINDSEY
Everybody ought to have a vamp.

   BUFFY
Some one you can call on when you're all alone.
Who's always trying to atone,
(Without having to emote)
Sibyling karaoke
Quibbling over tactics
Fribbling with the hair gel
Nibbling all around the throat.

Oh, oh,
Isn't he just so nifty?
Even though he's two-fifty
It doesn't show.
Oh, oh,
Isn't he just so dreamy?
We all know he's my beau.

[Lindsey, unable to take this any more, shoves Buffy aside and strides to center stage. Angel looks even more uncomfortable, if this is possible, and begins gauging the damage that a leap into the orchestra pit would do.]

   LINDSEY
Everybody ought to have a vamp.

   BUFFY
Everybody ought to have a vamp.

   LINDSEY
Someone who will always be the vamp you hate
Who'll breeze right in and and amputate
But always has time to gloat
Bumbling through his cases
Tumbling out a window
Fumbling with my [censored]
Nibbling all around the throat.

[A flash of platinum hair is seen in the right wing, but Spike refuses to come out, heard to mutter something about not having any bloody lines in a production number that's half about him. After yanking ineffectually at his leather sleeve, Willow wanders on stage, dressed in America's Funniest '70s Fashions as usual, and looking dreamy-eyed.]

   BUFFY [irritated]
A vamp?
   LINDSEY [not backing down]
A vamp.
   WILLOW [excited]
A vamp?
   ALL
A vamp!

   LINDSEY
Everybody ought to have a vamp.
Even though our love is still subtextual,
I know it will soon progress to sexual,
At least if I get a vote.

[Willow, overcome by memory, bursts into song. Lindsey gives her a dirty look, but retreats to the opposite side of the stage from Buffy. As he passes behind the pedestal, his evil hand proves it once again has a mind of its own. Angel lets out an undignified yelp and takes a vampiric leap off the pedestal. Landing in the second row, he escapes by using the audience's heads as footing.]

   WILLOW
Oh, oh,
Swaggering through the fact'ry
Threatening matter-of-factly
To break my neck.
Oh, oh,
Sauntering through the graveyard
Throwing down, raising heck.

Everybody ought to have a vamp.
Spitting witty epithets and loitering
While slyly reconnoitering
The best way to get my goat!
Anguishing over romance
Vanquishing red-shirt vampires
Languishing in the bathtub
Nibbling all around the throat.

   WILLOW [gleeful]
A vamp!
   BUFFY [horrified]
A vamp?
   LINDSEY [bored]
A vamp.
   XANDER [wandering in with a half-eaten Twinkie]
A vamp!

   XANDER
Everybody ought to have a vamp.
Even when a guy is really closeted
The vamp could be deposited
Wrapped up in a five-pound note...

[Lost in reverie, he misses the gagging noises coming from the right wing.]

Oh, oh,
Wouldn't he be disarming
Even somewhat alarming
Lounging about?
Oh, oh,
Wouldn't his cheekbones glisten?
Eyebrow up; tongue stuck out.

   WILLOW
Everybody ought to have a vamp.
Somebody whose body parts are glacial
   XANDER
Who's always in-your-facial
And quick with a pithy quote!

   WILLOW
Shimmering in the moonlight
   XANDER
Simmering in the porch light
   WILLOW
Glimmering with the Clairol Lite
   BOTH
Nibbling all around the throat.

[Buffy, Willow, and Xander form a very short conga line and begin to wind around the stage. Lindsey watches them with disdain, but cannot keep from tapping his foot.]

   ALL
The throat!
The throat!
The throat....

[Willow and Xander catch sight of something offstage. Distracted, they drop out of the conga line and exit stage right. Sharp-eared audience members may detect the sound of giggles and barks coming from the wings.

Buffy looks after them disgustedly. Then she looks out into the audience disgustedly. Then she heads off to retrieve her Only True Love. She is surprised by Lindsey, who takes his own flying leap off the stage and tackles her in the aisle. A surprisingly ineffectual catfight ensues, while Angel takes the opportunity to slip out the fire exit. The orchestra vamps for a few bars, then gives it up and wanders off for a smoke. The audience answer their cellphones and rattle their cough-drop wrappers. The authors are tackled by Armani-suited Sondheim lawyers bearing a flurry of Cease-and-Desist orders.]


Author's Quote

"with apologies to Sondheim, Whedon, and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free"

Originally posted in Angel 4: Three times and you still have your soul? We'll go again. (#1811), TT, July 20, 2001.