"Innocence and I Will Remember You Revisited or, Why Angel Always Leaves Before Buffy Wakes Up", based on Barcelona

With apologies to Stephen Sondheim, Joss Whedon, and the reader. To the tune of "Barcelona" from Company, with the verses rearranged a bit.

[ The stage is, as ever, empty but for a large bed with red blankets. BUFFY is asleep, hair tousled and lipstick mussed. ANGEL is sitting on the edge of the bed, having just pulled on a pair of pants. (Darn.) He continues to dress throughout this verse. ]

[ The slow tango accompaniment begins. BUFFY yawns, rolls over, and discovers Angel's absence. ]

BUFFY: Where you going?

ANGEL: To the blood bank.
BUFFY: Oh.
ANGEL: Don't get up.
BUFFY: Can't it wait, dear?
ANGEL: I don't think so.
BUFFY: Oh.
ANGEL: Don't get up.

BUFFY: [ bitterly ] You're a vampire.
ANGEL: So I am.
That's not news.
BUFFY: No, it's not.
ANGEL: This is urgent.
BUFFY: [ pleading ] Please come back soon.
ANGEL: Bad idea.
BUFFY: No, it's not.
ANGEL: Yes, it is.

[ BUFFY sits up, clutching the sheet to her with one hand, and reaches out with the other. ]

BUFFY: Take your shirt off and stay...
ANGEL: I'm leaving.
BUFFY: Stay...
ANGEL: You don't know...
BUFFY: [ Reaches out further, nearly losing the sheet ] Stay...
ANGEL: I must go...
BUFFY: Skulking, brooding,
BOTH: To the blood bank.
ANGEL: But my only goal
Is to keep control
'Cause I've lost my soul.
BUFFY: Oh, God...

[ If this were a '50s musical, BUFFY and ANGEL would step forward in front of the curtain and sing a bridge, while stage hands did something mysterious; when they stepped back, there would be a different bedroom set, and the time would clearly be a couple of years later, possibly because the red blankets would have been replaced by tasteful paisley sheets.

For a 21st-century revival of a '70s musical, this is clearly inadequate. Instead, BUFFY and ANGEL remain in bed, which mysteriously zings all over the stage. Turntables revolve, hydraulic platforms rise and fall, fog billows from the floor, black-clad stagehands in headsets tug at recalcitrant bits of scenery, the Titanic sinks, a helicopter with Faith clinging to it takes off, and when all the Sturm and Drang ends...

BUFFY and ANGEL are in a bedroom set that is clearly a couple of years later, because the red blankets have been replaced by tasteful paisley sheets. Ain't progress wonderful? ]

BUFFY: Where you going?
ANGEL: Need more hair mousse.
BUFFY: Oh.
ANGEL: Don't get up.
BUFFY: Do you really --
ANGEL: It's all flat, dear.
BUFFY: Oh.
ANGEL: Don't get up.

BUFFY: [ Shrinks back ] Now you're evil!
ANGEL: No, I'm not.
BUFFY: Yes, you are.
ANGEL: No, I'm not,
Why'd you think that?
BUFFY: See, you're smirking!
ANGEL: No, I'm not,
BUFFY: And the sheets --
God, they're red!
[ Crushed ] It's me.
ANGEL: No.
I have to...
BUFFY: Go. [ Begins groping him frantically. ]
ANGEL: Consult the... [ Begins groping back, loses train of thought ]
Cause the world might end... [ Stands; staggers away from BUFFY ]
Unless I defend....
The PTB forfend...
Oh, well... I guess... [ Shrugs, and returns to bed ]
Let it end. [ Leans toward BUFFY ]
BUFFY: [ alarmed ] What?
ANGEL: [ pulls BUFFY into his arms ] I won't contend...
BUFFY: [ struggling valiantly ] But...

[ ANGEL kisses BUFFY savagely. She kisses back. Behind them, unnoticed, Armageddon, World War III, G&Mac246;tterd‰mmerung, Der Untergang des Abendlandes, and most of the Book of Revelation break out. ]

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