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Into the Woods
(To the tune of "Prologue: Into the Woods" from Into the Woods ) |
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BUFFY I wish... More than anything... More than life... More than shoes... BUFFY More than life... I wish... BUFFY More than the moon... BUFFY I want to have my own life to lead. BUFFY Why can't I have my own life to lead— —do you know... BUFFY More than anything... BUFFY I wish to have my own life to lead. BUFFY I wish... MONK You wish to have your own life to lead? MONK You, the Slayer, a life to lead? You wish to have your own life to lead? MONK, GLORY, QUENTIN A life to lead?! Your own life to lead!!!??? MONK A life to lead!!!??? MONK The Key must be safe, my dear— BUFFY Nevertheless, I still wish to have my own life to lead. |
GILES Once upon a time in a suburban town lived a young Slayer, a chipped, punk vampire and an aimless young man XANDER I wish... GILES with his demon. XANDER More than anything... More than the moon... ANYA I wish... XANDER, ANYA More than life... XANDER, ANYA More than riches... ANYA More than anything... XANDER I wish we had a goal. ANYA I want a goal... XANDER, ANYA I wish we might have a goal. I wish... GILES The Slayer was an only child, GLORY What, you wish to have your own life to lead?! GILES but the monks had deposited in her house a Key in the form of Buffy's sister. GLORY D'you like this dress? MONK, GLORY She still wants to have her own life to lead, And yet go out and Slay?! |
SPIKE I wish... SPIKE More than the moon... SPIKE I wish... SPIKE I wish I had some love in my heart. SPIKE [to Buffy] Please, girl- SPIKE Don't tease, girl... I wish you'd give me some love or even sex... I wish... QUENTIN TRAVERS What, you, the Slayer, a life to lead? A life to lead?! QUENTIN Think of the world! QUENTIN You still wish to have your own life to lead, And yet go out and Slay?! |
| [They chortle with laughter musically, then fall about out of control.] |
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GILES The sister was a true pain in the ass, but Buffy loved her with all her heart. Spike, on the other hand, had no family, and his girlfriend— Well, she was not quite lovable— SPIKE Um, uh, a true predator needs to visualize his hunt when out to kill a Slayer. 
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HARMONY I wish... I wish my legs were much more smooth. I wish my mirror could reflect. I wish that I could go to France. I wish Starbucks gave out free blood— I wish a lot of things... [to Spike] Oh, hello boo-boo! What in heaven's name are you doing with that mannequin and a stake? You're chipped! How many times do I have to tell you? You can't kill with that chip. |
| [Two knocks on Xander's door; Anya opens door; it is Dawn.] |
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ANYA Why, come in, little girl. GILES Buffy found the monk had a surprise for her. MONK [clutches the Dagon Sphere] I have journeyed to Sunnydale to give this to you. If you remember you have it sometime before the end of May, you shall be able to live your life. BUFFY Vampires die, Vampires here, Also there, We can't share, And the hunt never ends... Come, little vamps, Out of the graves And the caves, Over fields, Out of castles that rise... BUFFY [falling into a trance] Ahhh... [the world begins to spin] Quick, little vamps, Pick up and leave me. Lick and suck, but swiftly, You'd better leave me Else you'll be dust... HARMONY Spikey, please listen. With that chip, you'll never kill the Slayer. You'll scream. Scream! You can't even pick flowers. You'll remind her I'm her arch-enemy, and I'll get staked, and besides this whole pretend-to-be-the-Slayer sex game is kind of oogy. Oh, come on! You've got pain in your brain. It'll just take one stake. She's so quick with a stick That you won't give her a nick— Spike, I don't want to see you dusted, If Buffy finds out you'll be busted— You showed her late last year you weren't friends! Sometimes I fear you're touched. |
DAWN I wish... Please look at me, I'm not the little girl you think. A helpless baby— You treat me like a kid and I will raise a stink... [Insistent] I'm not a stupid baby... [Xander gives her a pizza.] DAWN And perhaps a little kiss?... From you?... DAWN And a few of those spells, please... SPIKE No, please, girl... SPIKE But, Harm, please-if I use a shotgun— SPIKE But it's just another way to keep myself sharp! SPIKE But— |
| [Dawn has been poking around Xander's apartment and has just found pictures of Xander and Anya having The Sex. She makes a face and goes to leave.] |
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DAWN Into the woods, It's time to go, I hate to leave, I have to, though. Into the woods— It's time, and so I must begin my journey. Into the woods And through the trees to where I am Expected, ma'am, Into the woods to my destiny— [snatches a pair of earrings on the way out] Into the woods To my destiny— I know that I Have a good heart, Won't give up now, I'll find my part. The key to my life, My life will be key. My sister is the Slayer, She'll freak if I delay her. DAWN Into the woods And through the 'Dale, The path is straight, Vampires pale. Into the woods, To learn the tale What's waiting on the journey? Into the woods To find I'm real And maybe not Become a meal. Never can tell What lies ahead. For all that I know, We'll all end up dead. But into the woods, Into the woods, Into the woods To my destiny And home before dark! BUFFY Fly, vamps, Back from the town, Back to the graves And the caves And the fields And the— GLORY That you can't do it I am sure, Buffy Summers! [to Quentin] Are you saying I look fat? BUFFY You dye your hair. GLORY She means me. Where's my Key now?... BUFFY [to herself] Trying to be good, Trying to be nice, My life's a roll of weighted dice. So be nice, Buffy Summers, Good, Buffy Summers, Nice good good nice— What's the good of being good If you can never win And the only choice is sin? Never mind, Buffy Summers, Kind Buffy Summers— |
ANYA You're certain you have one? XANDER You get in by dark. ANYA And remember you owe us for the pizza! QUENTIN Hurry up and save the world, Buffy Summers! [to Glory] Are you really wearing that? QUENTIN How'd you know? QUENTIN [to Buffy] Better kill her soon. [Quentin, aware what the better part of valor is, sidetracks Glory into a shoe discussion.] QUENTIN Kill her! |
| [accenting each word with an attempt to reach the Book All About Glory that Quentin's holding over his head] |
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Nice good good kind good nice— Sorry. GLORY Hee hee hee— hee hee— [stops] |
QUENTIN [suddenly shouts] When WE say! Child. [Quentin glares at her] |
| GILES Because Xander had no special talents and was of no use to his powerful, college-attending friends—well, at least that is what he believed—he wanted to have a purpose of his very own, and was concerned that all his efforts until now had failed. |
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[Knock on Xander's door] ANYA Don't they know we're having sex?... [Riley enters] RILEY Oh, sure you're not having sex! I don't wish that much. To have true love. [Holds a hand out at approximately chest-height.] Seen a short blonde Slayer anywhere near here? |
XANDER Who might that be? It's that boyfriend of Buffy's! XANDER, ANYA We're not having sex. XANDER What do you wish? |
| GILES Riley went on to explain that Xander was actually going through a perfectly normal post-graduation adjustment experience, and his feelings of inferiority were likely rooted in a combination of uncaring parents and being constantly surrounded by people with superpowers, so really what he needed to do was do a great deal of work on his inner child, maybe keep a dream diary... and then he shut up about his underutilized psychology grad student backstory and got on with his own disintegration. |
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RILEY In the past, when I was a solider boy, I had this pretty girl in my psych class. At first I thought she was strange, but then I fell in love. You see, this girl was Buffy Summers, and she was the One Girl In All The World. I took one look at her big stake, and told Forrest that what I wanted, more than anything in the world, was Buff, Buff, and nothing but Buff Slayer, student, bad ice-skating movie fan, I wanted to be her man and I Didn't care who knew it—! Though she said no, I knew better, so, Then I told her and I mowed over Her sad self-induced low! She was changing me, Rearranging me, Making me an anarchist (but Not really 'cause Mom'd be pissed) Damn the orders, got Oz out (Then I found out that she'd been bit!)— I got to fight the vamp that very week... Wish I could've turned him into pulp, Or some dust, or a heap... But I knew he was a vampire, I couldn't win. But at least I had her, My arms she was in I had taken quite a drubbing Being Riley Finn. In the end I win. Yes. But she doesn't love me. |
XANDER Dream diary? XANDER You think you're lucky? |
| GILES But Riley refused to talk about his girlfriend any more. He only wanted to psychoanalyze Xander. |
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RILEY You think you're worth less than the supergirls. But how were you to know that you'd end up the stablest one of them all? Happy. RILEY Yes, happy, man! You have a girl, Thinks you're the world Makes you very glad! I was at a dive bar Lookin' for vamps to mar! And then bang! Crash! And a stake-made gash! And—well, that's another story, Never mind— Anyway, you see Shouldn't be miffed 'Cause you've got a gift. You can get up after being Bashed to the ground By a troll, Even though he Can smash cars into mounds. Got a damn good job, Union ain't the mob You're the supervisor And your boss isn't a miser Think I'm jealous 'Cause I feel like a slob And I wish I knew what I should do— With my life— Wish you could tell me I don't want to be The mission's wife... [sighs] So there's no more joy And my heart is bent I just want to help— For her on me to depend! But I can't change how she is She's sure she can't start If she cries on someone's shoulder Thinks she will fall apart And I can't break her heart. HARMONY Now listen to me, Spike. Go out and buy some blood at the butcher's, but be careful. Stay away from the Slayer. Are you listening to me? Now what should you do about the Slayer? [she pinches his ear] Away! Stay away. Spike Spike Spike, Falling in like, I'm starting to get jealous, I miss all your evil scheming. Little tyke Named Sarah or Mike, Could be time to eat one, We need a kill. I think it would be big fun, The void it could fill, And you can't just sit here wanting to be hers. To wish and wait From day to day Will never get You a good lay. So into the woods, To sneak around. Don't steal her stuff, It will be found. Into the woods Your spirits downed. You must begin the journey. Straight through the woods And don't delay— Some of us love Your demon face. Into the woods to journey's end— Someday you'll have a real love interest, Spike. |
XANDER What? XANDER, ANYA Happy? SPIKE Yes. Stay near her. Away! Stay away. SPIKE Into the woods to be a friend— Like Angel? |
| [Harmony shakes her head in disbelief, then her eyes narrow, interested, as she thinks about that idea. Spike looks embarrassed and exits quickly.] |
| GILES Meanwhile, Riley, for purposes of his own, explained how the Xan-Man might find some satisfaction. |
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RILEY Your future is Hidden in mist But I can give you A good list. Go to the wood and check these off One, the job as good as gold, Two, the home you can afford, Three, the love as true as can be, Four, the wedding that's overblown. Just find these Before the chime Of midnight In eight months' time, And you shall have, I guarantee, A future as perfect As future can be. Go to the wood! [disappears] ANYA Good clothes. Yes, you can. We'll take them with us. I know you are fearful of being alone. No, no, the problem's with OUR life. We must solve it now together, The problem's with OUR life. ANYA [annoyed] You don't remember? The job as good as gold, The home you can afford, The love as true as can be, The wedding that's overblown— GILES And so our Xander, reluctantly, set off to fill out the list made by Buffy's beau. As for Buffy: |
XANDER Look what I found in my old basement hideout. I wonder if I can wear— No! You are not coming. The problem's with MY life. Only I can solve it now, The problem's with MY life. No. You are not to come and that is final. Now, what am I to return with? XANDER [memorizing] The job as good as gold, The home I can afford, The love as true as can be, The wedding that's overblown... |
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BUFFY I still wish to have my own life to lead, But how am I ever to get my own life to lead? I know! I'll put Mom in her grave, And then they'll feel bad for me, I won't have to be so strong Without my own life to lead... |
XANDER The job as good as gold, The home I can afford, The love as true as can be— The wedding that's overblown... The job, the home, The wedding that's overblown— |
ANYA The wedding—! ANYA The love—! |
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XANDER, BUFFY, ANYA Into the woods, The path is straight, You/I know it well, But who can tell—? BUFFY Into the woods to lose my Mother— BUFFY To have my own life to lead— XANDER, ANYA, BUFFY, SPIKE, HARMONY Into the woods Without regret, The choice is made, The task is set. Into the woods, But not forget— Ting why I'm/you're on the journey. Into the woods To get my/our wish, I don't care how, The time is now. SPIKE Into the woods to find the Slayer— XANDER To make it better— DAWN Into the woods to my destiny... Into the woods to my destiny... ALL The way is clear, The light is good, I have no fear, Nor no one should. The keys to our lives, Our lives will be key. No need to be afraid there— Into the woods Without delay, But careful not To lose the way. Into the woods, Who knows what may Be lurking on the journey? Into the woods To get the thing That makes it worth The journeying. Into the woods— SPIKE, HARMONY To buy some blood— ALL To sell— To buy— To get— To bring— To make— To lift— To have our own lives to lead—! Into the woods! Into the woods! Into the woods, Then out of the woods, And home before dawn! |
XANDER, BUFFY Into the woods, It's time to go, It may be all In vain, you/I know. Into the woods— But even so, I have to take the journey. XANDER, ANYA Into the woods to fix his life— ANYA Into the woods, check off the list— XANDER To make it better— HARMONY Into the woods to buy some blood— ANYA Into the woods, check off the list— BUFFY To have my own life to lead— XANDER, BUFFY Our futures will be made there... MONK, QUENTIN, GLORY To sell the arc— XANDER, ANYA To make it better— |
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Author's Quote "Me? Bored at work this summer? No, not at all." Originally posted in Buffy 6: In Joss We Trust (#5167), WX, September 26, 2001. |
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