Into the Woods
(To the tune of "Prologue: Into the Woods" from Into the Woods )

by Katie M


   BUFFY
I wish...

More than anything...

More than life...

More than shoes...

   BUFFY
More than life...

I wish...





   BUFFY
More than the moon...


   BUFFY
I want to have my own life to lead.


   BUFFY
Why can't I have my own life to lead—

—do you know...

   BUFFY
More than anything...






   BUFFY
I wish to have my own life to lead.

   BUFFY
I wish...

   MONK
You wish to have your own life to lead?

   MONK
You, the Slayer, a life to lead?
You wish to have your
own life to lead?

   MONK, GLORY, QUENTIN
A life to lead?!
Your own life to lead!!!???

   MONK
A life to lead!!!???




   MONK
The Key must be safe, my dear—

   BUFFY
Nevertheless,
I still wish to have my own life to lead.
   GILES
Once upon a time

in a suburban town

lived a young Slayer,

a chipped, punk vampire


and an aimless young man

   XANDER
I wish...

   GILES
with his demon.

   XANDER
More than anything...
More than the moon...

   ANYA
I wish...

   XANDER, ANYA
More than life...


   XANDER, ANYA
More than riches...


   ANYA
More than anything...

   XANDER
I wish we had a goal.

   ANYA
I want a goal...


   XANDER, ANYA
I wish we might have a goal.
I wish...



   GILES
The Slayer was an only child,

   GLORY
What, you wish to have your own life to lead?!



   GILES
but the monks had deposited in her house

a Key in the form of Buffy's sister.

   GLORY
D'you like this dress?



   MONK, GLORY
She still wants to have her own life to lead,
And yet go out and Slay?!








   SPIKE
I wish...









   SPIKE
More than the moon...





   SPIKE
I wish...



   SPIKE
I wish I had some love in my
heart.



   SPIKE [to Buffy]
Please, girl-

   SPIKE
Don't tease, girl...

I wish you'd give me some
love or even sex...
I wish...






   QUENTIN TRAVERS
What, you, the Slayer, a life to lead? A life to lead?!









   QUENTIN
Think of the world!




   QUENTIN
You still wish to have your own life to lead,
And yet go out and Slay?!
     [They chortle with laughter musically, then fall about out of control.]
   GILES
The sister was a true pain in the ass, but Buffy loved her with all her heart. Spike, on the other hand, had no family, and his girlfriend—

Well, she was not quite lovable—







   SPIKE
Um, uh, a true predator needs to visualize his hunt when out to kill a Slayer.



   HARMONY
I wish...

I wish my legs were much more smooth.
I wish my mirror could reflect.
I wish that I could go to France.
I wish Starbucks gave out free blood—
I wish a lot of things...
   [to Spike]
Oh, hello boo-boo! What in heaven's name are you doing with that mannequin and a stake?


You're chipped! How many times do I have to tell you? You can't kill with that chip.
     [Two knocks on Xander's door; Anya opens door; it is Dawn.]  
   ANYA
Why, come in, little girl.









   GILES
Buffy found the monk had a surprise for her.

   MONK [clutches the Dagon Sphere]
I have journeyed to Sunnydale to give this to you. If you remember you have it sometime before the end of May, you shall be able to live your life.

   BUFFY
Vampires die,
Vampires here,
Also there,
We can't share,
And the hunt never ends...
Come, little vamps,
Out of the graves
And the caves,
Over fields,
Out of castles that rise...

   BUFFY [falling into a trance]
Ahhh...
   [the world begins to spin]

Quick, little vamps,
Pick up and leave me.
Lick and suck, but swiftly,
You'd better leave me
Else you'll be dust...

   HARMONY
Spikey, please listen. With that chip, you'll never kill the Slayer.

You'll scream. Scream! You can't even pick flowers. You'll remind her I'm her arch-enemy, and I'll get staked, and besides this whole pretend-to-be-the-Slayer sex game is kind of oogy.

Oh, come on!
You've got pain in your brain.
It'll just take one stake.
She's so quick with a stick
That you won't give her a nick—

Spike,
I don't want to see you dusted,
If Buffy finds out you'll be busted—
You showed her late last year you weren't friends!
Sometimes I fear you're touched.


   DAWN
I wish...
Please look at me,
I'm not the little girl you think.
A helpless baby—
You treat me like a kid and
I will raise a stink...
   [Insistent]
I'm not a stupid baby...

   [Xander gives her a pizza.]





   DAWN
And perhaps a little kiss?...
From you?...




   DAWN
And a few of those spells, please...





   SPIKE
No, please, girl...










   SPIKE
But, Harm, please-if I use a shotgun—



   SPIKE
But it's just another way to keep myself sharp!




   SPIKE
But—




     [Dawn has been poking around Xander's apartment and has just found pictures of Xander and Anya
   having The Sex. She makes a face and goes to leave.]
 
   DAWN
Into the woods,
It's time to go,
I hate to leave,
I have to, though.
Into the woods—
It's time, and so
I must begin my journey.

Into the woods
And through the trees
to where I am
Expected, ma'am,
Into the woods
to my destiny—

   [snatches a pair of earrings on the way out]

Into the woods
To my destiny—

I know that I
Have a good heart,
Won't give up now,
I'll find my part.
The key to my life,
My life will be key.
My sister is the Slayer,
She'll freak if I delay her.



   DAWN
Into the woods
And through the 'Dale,
The path is straight,
Vampires pale.
Into the woods,
To learn the tale
What's waiting on the journey?

Into the woods
To find I'm real
And maybe not
Become a meal.
Never can tell
What lies ahead.
For all that I know,
We'll all end up dead.

But into the woods,
Into the woods,
Into the woods
To my destiny
And home before dark!

   BUFFY
Fly, vamps,
Back from the town,
Back to the graves
And the caves
And the fields
And the—


   GLORY
That you can't do it I am sure, Buffy Summers!
   [to Quentin]
Are you saying I look fat?

   BUFFY
You dye your hair.

   GLORY
She means me.

Where's my Key now?...

   BUFFY [to herself]
Trying to be good,
Trying to be nice,
My life's a roll of weighted dice.
So be nice, Buffy Summers,
Good, Buffy Summers,
Nice good good nice—

What's the good of being good
If you can never win
And the only choice is sin?
Never mind, Buffy Summers,
Kind Buffy Summers—




















   ANYA
You're certain you have one?







   XANDER
You get in by dark.

   ANYA
And remember you owe us for the pizza!





























   QUENTIN
Hurry up and save the world, Buffy Summers!
   [to Glory]
Are you really wearing that?





   QUENTIN
How'd you know?

   QUENTIN [to Buffy]
Better kill her soon.

   [Quentin, aware what the better part of valor is,
   sidetracks Glory into a shoe discussion.]





   QUENTIN
Kill her!

     [accenting each word with an attempt to reach the
   Book All About Glory that Quentin's holding over his head]
 
Nice good good kind good nice—

Sorry.

   GLORY
Hee hee hee—

hee hee— [stops]

   QUENTIN [suddenly shouts]
When WE say!

Child.


   [Quentin glares at her]

     GILES
Because Xander had no special talents and was of no use to his powerful, college-attending friends—well, at least that is what he believed—he wanted to have a purpose of his very own, and was concerned that all his efforts until now had failed.
 
   [Knock on Xander's door]

   ANYA
Don't they know we're having sex?...


   [Riley enters]

   RILEY
Oh, sure you're not having sex!

I don't wish that much. To have true love.

   [Holds a hand out at approximately chest-height.]

Seen a short blonde Slayer anywhere near here?


   XANDER
Who might that be?

It's that boyfriend of Buffy's!

   XANDER, ANYA
We're not having sex.

   XANDER
What do you wish?

     GILES
Riley went on to explain that Xander was actually going through a perfectly normal post-graduation adjustment experience, and his feelings of inferiority were likely rooted in a combination of uncaring parents and being constantly surrounded by people with superpowers, so really what he needed to do was do a great deal of work on his inner child, maybe keep a dream diary... and then he shut up about his underutilized psychology grad student backstory and got on with his own disintegration.
 

   RILEY
In the past, when I was a solider boy, I had this pretty girl in my psych class. At first I thought she was strange, but then I fell in love. You see, this girl was Buffy Summers, and she was the One Girl In All The World. I took one look at her big stake, and told Forrest that what I wanted, more than anything in the world, was

Buff, Buff, and nothing but Buff
Slayer, student, bad ice-skating movie fan,
I wanted to be her man and I
Didn't care who knew it—!

Though she said no,
I knew better, so,
Then I told her and I mowed over
Her sad self-induced low!
She was changing me,
Rearranging me,
Making me an anarchist (but
Not really 'cause Mom'd be pissed)
Damn the orders, got Oz out
(Then I found out that she'd been bit!)—
I got to fight the vamp that very week...
Wish I could've turned him into pulp,
Or some dust, or a heap...

But I knew he was a vampire,
I couldn't win.
But at least I had her,
My arms she was in
I had taken quite a drubbing
Being Riley Finn.

In the end I win.

Yes. But she doesn't love me.

   XANDER
Dream diary?


































   XANDER
You think you're lucky?

     GILES
But Riley refused to talk about his girlfriend any more. He only wanted to psychoanalyze Xander.
 
   RILEY
You think you're worth less than the supergirls. But how were you to know that you'd end up the stablest one of them all?

Happy.

   RILEY
Yes, happy, man!

You have a girl,
Thinks you're the world
Makes you very glad!
I was at a dive bar
Lookin' for vamps to mar!

And then bang! Crash!
And a stake-made gash!
And—well, that's another story,
Never mind—
Anyway, you see
Shouldn't be miffed
'Cause you've got a gift.
You can get up after being
Bashed to the ground
By a troll,
Even though he
Can smash cars into mounds.

Got a damn good job,
Union ain't the mob
You're the supervisor
And your boss isn't a miser
Think I'm jealous
'Cause I feel like a slob

And I wish I knew what I should do—
With my life—
Wish you could tell me
I don't want to be
The mission's wife...
   [sighs]
So there's no more joy
And my heart is bent
I just want to help—
For her on me to depend!
But I can't change how she is
She's sure she can't start
If she cries on someone's shoulder
Thinks she will fall apart
And I can't break her heart.

   HARMONY
Now listen to me, Spike. Go out and buy some blood at the butcher's, but be careful. Stay away from the Slayer. Are you listening to me?

Now what should you do about the Slayer?

   [she pinches his ear]
Away! Stay away.

Spike Spike Spike,
Falling in like,
I'm starting to get jealous,
I miss all your evil scheming.

Little tyke
Named Sarah or Mike,
Could be time to eat one,
We need a kill.
I think it would be big fun,
The void it could fill,
And you can't just sit here wanting to be hers.

To wish and wait
From day to day
Will never get
You a good lay.

So into the woods,
To sneak around.
Don't steal her stuff,
It will be found.
Into the woods
Your spirits downed.
You must begin the journey.
Straight through the woods
And don't delay—
Some of us love
Your demon face.
Into the woods to journey's end—

Someday you'll have a real love interest, Spike.




   XANDER
What?

   XANDER, ANYA
Happy?















































   SPIKE
Yes.

Stay near her.

Away! Stay away.






























   SPIKE
Into the woods to be a friend—

Like Angel?

     [Harmony shakes her head in disbelief, then her eyes narrow, interested, as she thinks about that idea.
   Spike looks embarrassed and exits quickly.]

 
     GILES
Meanwhile, Riley, for purposes of his own, explained how the Xan-Man might find some satisfaction.
 
   RILEY
Your future is
Hidden in mist
But I can give you
A good list.

Go to the wood and check these off
One, the job as good as gold,
Two, the home you can afford,
Three, the love as true as can be,
Four, the wedding that's overblown.

Just find these
Before the chime
Of midnight
In eight months' time,
And you shall have,
I guarantee,
A future as perfect
As future can be.

Go to the wood!

   [disappears]

   ANYA
Good clothes.

Yes, you can. We'll take them with us.

I know you are fearful of being alone.


No, no, the problem's with OUR life.
We must solve it now together,
The problem's with OUR life.

   ANYA [annoyed]
You don't remember?
The job as good as gold,
The home you can afford,
The love as true as can be,
The wedding that's overblown—

   GILES
And so our Xander, reluctantly, set off to fill out the list made by Buffy's beau.

As for Buffy:

























   XANDER
Look what I found in my old basement hideout.

I wonder if I can wear—

No! You are not coming.

The problem's with MY life.
Only I can solve it now,
The problem's with MY life.

No. You are not to come and that is final.
Now, what am I to return with?






   XANDER [memorizing]
The job as good as gold,
The home I can afford,
The love as true as can be,
The wedding that's overblown...

     BUFFY
I still wish to have my own life to lead,
But how am I ever to get my own life to lead?

I know!
I'll put Mom in her grave,
And then they'll feel bad for me,
I won't have to be so strong
Without my own life to lead...

   XANDER
The job as good as gold,
The home I can afford,
The love as true as can be—

The wedding that's overblown...
The job, the home,
The wedding that's overblown—





   ANYA
The wedding—!

   ANYA
The love—!
 







   XANDER, BUFFY, ANYA
Into the woods,
The path is straight,
You/I know it well,
But who can tell—?

   BUFFY
Into the woods to lose my Mother—



   BUFFY
To have my own life to lead—

   XANDER, ANYA, BUFFY, SPIKE, HARMONY
Into the woods
Without regret,
The choice is made,
The task is set.
Into the woods,
But not forget—
Ting why I'm/you're on the journey.

Into the woods
To get my/our wish,
I don't care how,
The time is now.

   SPIKE
Into the woods to find the Slayer—

   XANDER
To make it better—

   DAWN
Into the woods to my destiny...
Into the woods to my destiny...

   ALL
The way is clear,
The light is good,
I have no fear,
Nor no one should.
The keys to our lives,
Our lives will be key.
No need to be afraid there—

Into the woods
Without delay,
But careful not
To lose the way.
Into the woods,
Who knows what may
Be lurking on the journey?

Into the woods
To get the thing
That makes it worth
The journeying.
Into the woods—

   SPIKE, HARMONY
To buy some blood—

   ALL
To sell—
To buy—
To get—
To bring—
To make—
To lift—
To have our own lives to lead—!

Into the woods!
Into the woods!
Into the woods,
Then out of the woods,
And home before dawn!

   XANDER, BUFFY
Into the woods,
It's time to go,
It may be all
In vain, you/I know.
Into the woods—
But even so,
I have to take the journey.



   XANDER, ANYA
Into the woods to fix his life—

   ANYA
Into the woods, check off the list—

   XANDER
To make it better—














   HARMONY
Into the woods to buy some blood—

   ANYA
Into the woods, check off the list—

   BUFFY
To have my own life to lead—











   XANDER, BUFFY
Our futures will be made there...












   MONK, QUENTIN, GLORY
To sell the arc—

   XANDER, ANYA
To make it better—

Author's Quote

"Me? Bored at work this summer? No, not at all."

Originally posted in Buffy 6: In Joss We Trust (#5167), WX, September 26, 2001.