|collective filk by Betsy Hanes Perry, Dana D., Floyd, David S., Holli, Sydney and Madrigal.
"As reruns are in season and there's nothing else to do,
We've got a little list, we've got a little list
Of popular excrescences who blight the public view,
And who never would be missed, never would be missed.
There's Kate the cop and Parker too and don't forget Wesley,
And George Bush Younger, George Bush Elder, throw in George Bush III.
There's Martha Stewart, Phyllis Schlafly, Limbaugh, Larry King,
And Melanie, Antonio, Madonna, Cher, and Sting.
The cast of Charmed, and Dawson's Creek, and likewise Jack and Jill,
And Monica and Kenneth Starr and Lee and Bill and Hill.
We're feeding them to Spike, and, when he's full, to Dru,
And if she's slow, the overflow becomes vampire burgoo."
Since Angel has turned good again and won't participate,
We've got a little list, we've got a little list,
Of horrible annoyances that good old Spike just ate,
And who never will be missed, never will be missed.
He started with the Backstreet Boys (and ate the dumb one last),
Continued on to Brittney Spears, who gave up pretty fast.
And don't forget 'N Sync, of course: For them an awful fate,
He threw them in the sewers to be used as monster bait.
And all were quite surprised to see the massacring stop
But Spike was heard to say, "You know? I don't think I like pop."
When the vampire rampage ended, then the world was clean and brave:
Andrew Lloyd was on the list! I'm sure he wasn't missed!
And Sarah Brightman, too, had trilled her last before the grave,
I'm sure she wasn't missed; she never would be missed.
And people who post spoilers without painting them in white
And those who know that their opinions are uniquely right
And that singular anomaly, the OS monopolist,
(I don't think he'll be missed; I'm sure he won't be missed!)
When Spike and Dru got tired, they both decamped for Ghent,
Saying, "You destroy the rest, we're taking off for Lent!"
So in came Adam, Walsh's son, who's both man and machine
And he had a little list, he had a little list,
Of people he would massacre, just because he's mean,
Who never would be missed, never would be missed.
He skewered some nameless vampires, just to get a start,
Then tore apart a demon, just to mutilate his heart.
The rampage did continue throughout all of Season 4,
And Buffy found destroying him to be an awful chore.
But she had Riley standing by, to help her with the job,
And Willow, Xander, Joyce, and Giles, and an angry mob.
But the pacifistic writers said, "Just wait a second, folks!"
"This show is still PG! This show still rates PG!
If you massacre so many without leaving time for jokes,
The sponsors all will flee! We'll lose our airing fee!"
"So let's haul out dear old Wesley, and we'll give him quips inept,
And spill Angel's long-held secret: he's a hopeless narcolept,
And pile up sexual tension without showing too much skin,
And hint at nameless horrors without diving into sin,
For the truth about the subject is that we still air at 8,
Otherwise your plans are great; otherwise we love them, mate.
You can put away your list, you can put away your list
For we cannot take that risk, we cannot take that risk."
And when to snaky glory the Mayor did ascend,
He had a little list, he had a little list,
Of competing serpents whose life he thought to end,
And they'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed.
Christian Coalition leaders who screw their secretaries,
Vegetarian control freaks who live on nuts and berries,
Television pundits uttering baritone stupidity,
Right-wing candidates in need of quick morbidity.
But alas Hizzoner was transubstantiated into toast
Before he could even gnaw upon a single talk show host...
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