Not Turning Evil
(To the tune of "Not Getting Married" from Company )

by Betsy Hanes Perry

[The curtain rises on a Gothic Revival abbey. There are crenellations and gargoyles everywhere. A chorus of nuns paces across the stage, intoning a chant and wishing they'd gotten a callback for Follies instead.]

   CHORUS OF NUNS
Bless this night, sacred to the Lord,
Surely he'll reward
These girls who make their vows
This holy night.

[ANGELUS appears from stage left, lurking in the shadow of a pillar and making sure the audience gets the benefit of his best profile, the one that demonstrates why leather pants aren't just a good idea, they're the Law.]

   ANGELUS
Tonight, my Drusilla,
Brings on the climax of my cunning plan.
To liquefy your family,
To ruin you forever,
Don't fear, my Drusilla,
You'll never be Dominican.

[DRUSILLA enters from stage right, dressed in the traditional postulant's wedding gown. She seems a bit distracted.]

   DRUSILLA
Pardon me, is everybody good?
Because if everybody's
good then I've escaped my evil destiny. And that will prove to
God that I am really meant for sanctity. It's true he hasn't
answered all my prayers but don't you think that's just an oversight? He
never talked to Job until the Devil's work was done. I read it
in the Bible, which should prove I'm still his blessed daughter --

[Gets a grip on herself]

Bring them on,
All the vows and the altars,
I'll pray till dawn
My resolve never falters,
Visions gone,
Cause I'm not turning evil today.

[She turns and kneels before the altar, which is at center stage. The MOTHER SUPERIOR, grateful she didn't get cast in The Sound Of Music, comes forward and lays a hand on DRUSILLA's head.]

   MOTHER SUPERIOR
Bless this child, head bent down in prayer,
Not entirely there,
We do hope she'll settle down
When she takes her vows.

[DRUSILLA turns and addresses the audience. We are now at SANITYCON 2.]

   DRUSILLA
Pardon me, can we get to the vows?
Because then afterward
I'll be a bride of Christ and he does not allow divorces and
I won't have any visions and I'm sealed his own forever. Which
would help replace my family, I've nothing left except the dolls
and oops I'm not supposed to mention them because it makes the sis
Ters nervous and the moon --What moon? I didn't say moon --

Please don't chafe,
I am not turning evil,
You're quite safe,
I am not turning evil,
I may be a waif,
But I'm not turning evil,
Lord, vouchsafe
That I'm not turning evil
And my visions are gone,
So I'm not turning evil today!

[To the nuns; SANITYCON 3. The stagelights slowly dim during this verse; by its end, all we can see is the spotlit DRUSILLA.]

Pray! Can't you pray!
Why is nobody consecrating?
I beg, shake a leg,
I'm not blessed and time goes by!
If you wait, hesitate,
Someone may start by desecrating
Walls, talk to dolls,
Want some custard with that pie?

[SANITYCON 17; Ophelia, Lady Macbeth, and Lucia Di Lammermoor rolled into one.]

Listen everybody, can we get on with the hymns and stuff? It's
nearly half past sundown, and this guy has started slaughtering and
whoops there goes a ribcage and I think that might be Sister Mary
Frances, no I'm wrong, it must be Sister Holy Blood. Besides,
what sort of man would waltz inside the sanctuary? I don't think
he's genuflected either, he must be a C of E.

[Cheerful and confident. Sanity is overrated, really.]

Time to wed,
I am not turning evil,
Too much red,
I am not turning evil,
You're all dead,
But I'm not turning evil,

   ANGELUS
I'm not fed,
And you are turning evil today.

[Grab, chomp, curtain falls. Audience streams to the box office for refunds.]


Author's Quote

"In honor of the end of the hiatus."

Originally posted in The Slayer, The Witch and Their Wardrobes (Buffy Part 4) (#2180), TT, September 26, 2000.