I am the Very Model of a Modern Obsessed Buffy Fan
(To the tune of "I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major General" from The Pirates of Penzance )

by Katie M

   FAN
I am the very model of a modern obsessed Buffy fan,
When the show is on I never switch or other channels scan,
I know all of the dates and times to see the show on UPN,
On FX and the Frog I've also watched it every now and then;
I know the names of every single major Buffy character,
I can see why principals might feel a little scared of her,
Regarding the library I know many interesting facts,
From how to lock a werewolf cage to what to name a zombie cat.

   ALL
From how to lock a werewolf cage to what to name a zombie cat.
From how to lock a werewolf cage to what to name a zombie cat.
From how to lock a werewolf cage to what to name a zombie cat.

   FAN
I can identify the sets from high school to each demon's lair;
I know that Buffy once created in her house a frightening bear:
In short, I spend a lot of time, and all the effort that I can,
To be the very model of a modern obsessed Buffy fan.

   ALL
In short, she spends a lot of time, and all the effort that she can,
To be the very model of a modern obsessed Buffy fan.

   FAN
I read all of the shooting scripts back when the hostess' name was Rayne;
When people think that Psyche is the other guy's name it's a pain,
I know where to discuss each episode's details and crazy twists,
From message boards to chat rooms and from livejournals to mailing lists;
I've read some fanfic and can tell who the very best authors are,
Although I must admit that I have not written any thus far.
I've even crossed the states to meet with folks that I first knew online,
And won a prize by knowing Angel's universal charades sign.

   ALL
And won a prize by knowing Angel's universal charades sign.
And won a prize by knowing Angel's universal charades sign.
And won a prize by knowing Angel's universal charades sign.

   FAN
With Buffy I can often tell which posters will have loved the show,
When trav'ling it's the lack of post-ep dissection that lays me low:
In short, I spend a lot of time, and all the effort that I can,
To be the very model of a modern obsessed Buffy fan.

   ALL
In short, she spends a lot of time, and all the effort that she can,
To be the very model of a modern obsessed Buffy fan.

   FAN
I'm aware of which discussions often do the fans divide,
For instance, I know better than to argue whether Xander lied,
I've seen debate on Tara's death and the dead lesbian cliche,
And even for that matter on if Joss should have made Willow gay,
The soul debate's my favorite one with which to other posters vex,
Especially whether redemption is related to Spuffy sex--
In short, I've been involved in several arguments about the show,
Despite the fact that my emotions may not be quite apropos.

   ALL
Despite the fact that my emotions may not be quite apropos.
Despite the fact that my emotions may not be quite apropos.
Despite the fact that my emotions may not be quite apropos.

   FAN
For I'm aware that it may seem a bit insane to care this much,
More people are possessed by things like sports and politics and such;
But still, I spend a lot of time, and all the effort that I can,
To be the very model of a modern obsessed Buffy fan.

   ALL
But still, she spends a lot of time, and all the effort that she can,
To be the very model of a modern obsessed Buffy fan.


Author's Quote

"Nothing meaningful to say, but I have been working on this time-killer for several days..."

Originally posted in Buffy 1: No, You're Not the Only Watcher (#4253), PX, October 15, 2002.