Hotel Schmuck Bait Arms
(To the tune of "Hotel California" by the Eagles )

by Trudy Booth

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Sitting there at my desk job, cool thoughts in my head
Going mad from the boredom, 'cause my office was dead
When I turned to my Netscape, I found the Salon website
Read the articles and still had some time
When Table Talk caught my sight.

There I was in the Topics
There I was in the Threads. 'Must be a whole lot of people here,
Liking shows ‘bout the dead.'
Picked myself out a screen name, thought I'd go look and see
There were posters porny weird and smart,
I heard them calling me...

Welcome to the Hotel Schmuck Bait Arms
Such a lovely place, such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel Schmuck Bait Arms
Any time of year, you can natter here.

Folks here are def'nitely twisted
Concerning hotties they like.
Posting about boobs and bondage
And a bleached blond named Spike
Now they chat in the lobby, tape and corsets
Some take notes at the bar, so they won't forget

Scrolling I find Tim Minear
‘Is that the real guy?' They said
‘He has been playing here with us since he made Doyle die.'
And still those posters are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel Schmuck Bait Arms
Such a lovely place, such a lovely face
We're chattin' it up at the Hotel Schmuck Bait Arms
Late at night or day, you'll come here and play.

Gunn's overly shirted, Cordy's always com-shuked,
And they say, ‘Angel hit ultimate despair
When with Darla he fucked.'
Down at the evil law firm
(Where Holland works though deceased)
They try to make our hero snap
But they just can't raise the beast.

Last thing I remember, I was
Fleeing all the strife
Had to find out how to get back
To that thing I call ‘a life'
'Relax,' said the vampire,
We are programmed to receive

You can log off any time you like
but you can never leave!

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